Are you missing signals for connection from your pre-teen?

Are you missing signals for connection from your pre-teen?

Do you ever get kinda hunkered down when it gets to bedtime, on a slighted fixated mission to just get the kids in bed? I do.   My kids were doing the usual multiple procrastination stunts and I was fielding them, on autopilot; herding the kids into bed. No you can’t have a snack you just ate a huge supper. No I’m not going to read another story. Finally they settle and I sink into a hot bath.    My 11 year old’s face appears round the door. ‘Can I get in the bath with you?’ he asks and immediately I’m telling him to go to bed, that I’ve still got another hour of work and I can’t go to sleep myself until I’ve finished it. And suddenly I interrupt myself, noticing that he obediently walks away, shoulders hunched. I’m so caught up in my own frenzied to do list and tiredness that I miss him reaching out to me for CONNECTION. He wants some time just with me while his sister is in bed. And of course I feel like the worst mother and shout after him to join me.   It’s easy to miss as our kids get older. They seem so much more independent and they reach for us less often. And when they do it can be easily missed if we are preoccupied.   Here are some of the ways I’ve noticed they reach out:   Asking you to do something for them they can do by themselves Asking to climb into your bed/bath/come with you on an errand/hang out with you and your friends...
Tribal hearts – this is for you!

Tribal hearts – this is for you!

I was really sorry to miss you folks so I pre-recorded the talks I was due to give at Tribal Hearts last weekend. So if you missed them you can watch both here.   Healing Separation Anxiety Are you struggling whenever you have to be away from your child? Does your child… get upset when you have to leave, or even at the thought of being away from you behave in challenging ways either before or after separation Would you like to… leave your child feeling safe and confident to be without you respond to your child in a way that honours their emotional needs help your child face the fear they carry about the times they’ve been separated from you In this talk I share powerful tools to reduce the stress of leaving your child and off-track behavior as you help your child feel more secure. Further info: To get started with Listening Partnerships, you might like to download my Listening Guide. You can find a Listening Partner here. You might enjoy this blog on preparing to start school. And on the subject of Listening Partnerships, here’s how you might address separation by working on yourself     Why do Kids Push Our Buttons? Ever found yourself saying the EXACT thing you SWORE you’d never say to your kids? You know you don’t want to incite shame, fear or rejection, yet sometimes they just make you crazy and losing it is beyond your control. You’re committed to being patient, available and playful, yet often you just feel so tired and overloaded that somehow they’re on a screen again...
When a stranger is losing it

When a stranger is losing it

I’m packing up our tent and the screams from the van opposite are escalating and it’s all sounding just a little bit too aggressive for my liking. I can hear a very distressed child, who sounds quite young and her mother, getting more and more irate and shouting at her. I debate whether to go over. One of my friends says leave them to it, the other says… go help them! I have a policy of intervening in fraught situations between parents and their kids if I’m feeling resourced enough, but as I approach this angry woman and her hysterical child, I’m actually a bit frightened that she might attack me.   As she sees me she turns to say (in a back-off kinda way) “It’s alright she has autism and ADHD. This is normal.” I can see I’ve got her defences up. I make my body language as unthreatening as I can. “It’s ok I’m a mum, I got one like this. Just wanted to see if you needed some support.” “Are you coming to take her off me?” I shrug and smile “Sure if that’s what you want me to do” “Don’t worry, we’re fine, she’s like this every day” Except she doesn’t look at all fine. She looks overwhelmed and furious and now she feels like she’s done something wrong. “I just wondered if I could listen for 5 minutes.” When she realises I mean listen to her, her expression goes from hurt/defensive (‘why would it be ME that needs listening?’) to incredulously delighted (‘Goodness… someone is willing to listen to ME?!’) She edges out of...
Fear (published in JUNO winter edition)

Fear (published in JUNO winter edition)

FEAR_Issue_52   There is an insidious undercurrent that can seep, unbeknownst to us, into our children’s hearts, affecting their behaviour and their confidence. It can alter their thinking, posture and shake their enjoyment of life and bigness in the world.   When the baby is constantly crying and squirming, refusing to nap more than 40 minutes a day. When our toddler won’t let us out of sight, or when children are picky with their food. When siblings become aggressive, a child is clingy or passive, or needs a lengthy bedtime routine to be able to fall asleep, we assume these are typical kid things. But what do these seemingly unrelated behaviours have in common?   Fear.   Fear can accumulate in good children, who have good parents. It weighs on them and causes their world and the opportunities available to them to become restricted. It prevents them from feeling relaxed enough to eat or sleep effortlessly. Fear makes a short separation from mummy feel life threatening. It signals such desperate alarm in challenging situations that they are prone to strike out or bite or lose bladder control. It drives them to answer back or appear defiant as a defence. Fear creates anxiety, restlessness and rigid or compulsive behaviours. Fear causes some children to quietly retreat from things they love. The good news is we can help our children recover from fear!   It is guaranteed for children to experience frightening situations, no matter how well we love and care for them. It’s certainly no-one’s fault. We don’t always know when fear set in. It may have been during a...
It takes a village…do you have one yet?

It takes a village…do you have one yet?

If you are based in Frome you are already part of one of the most cutting edge towns in the UK. Last week George Monbiot reported on revolutionary community measures against isolation that are cutting the rates of hospital admissions in this progressive town.  Frome is known for its community. You may be enjoying the benefits of this already. Or – and especially if you have young children – you may be feeling more isolated than ever. Why is community so important? And what role does it REALLY play in raising healthy kids? As humans, we are such social creatures that our brains don’t actually exist as individuals. Unbeknownst to our conscious awareness, our brains are constantly searching out ways syncing, moulding, adapting, and mirroring our brains with those around us. We do this spontaneously, unconsciously and completely naturally – it’s part of our in-build survival mechanisms.   It’s an attempt to form and participate in a ‘hive mind’ – something greater than each of us.  We are group animals; built to survive, thrive – and raise children – in a tribe. So a good portion of our energy and nervous system activity is allocated to constantly assessing how well we belong, how socially acceptable we are. And yet:  if you are a parent you might be experiencing one of the most isolated phases of your life. So many of us are living geographically far (or estranged) from our parents. If a couple is going to break up, the most likely time is within the first year of our child’s life. And even if we do stay together, with the pressures of nuclear...
20 Things To Say To Your Child Instead Of “Don’t Cry”

20 Things To Say To Your Child Instead Of “Don’t Cry”

What if every time your child cries or tantrums, they are actually doing something highly worthwhile? We don’t always appreciate it when our children begin to cry, but what they are actually doing is making use of the body’s innate recovery system. When we get hurt, physically or emotionally, instead of storing it all up in our bodies as tension, we can make use of crying, laughter, raging or trembling. This is how the body processes and releases feelings. Most of us don’t do this often, having being told “Don’t cry” since we were small, but our children still have their recovery system intact. The best news is that all of our children’s difficult or ‘off track’ behaviour is driven by emotion and when they get to use your good, warm attention to dump out these feelings, you get your angel back. By actively encouraging our children to cry when they need to, they not only get to shed hurt feelings, they end up feeling more connected to us as well. The way we listen can either shut feelings down, or help children to feel what they are feeling more fully. Here are things you can say to listen well. General reassuring phrases: 1. I’m right here 2. I see how upset you are 3. I’m sorry this is hard, Love 4. I’ll be with you while you are upset 5. I’m not going anywhere 6. You are safe 7. There’s nothing more important than being with you right now 8. I’m sorry… you lost your lamby/your friend said that/you dropped your ice cream 9. I hear you Sweetheart...